Probably biggest killer of a strong sense of purpose is all-or-nothing thinking.
"I want to sail around the world," says a young man. But he is married
and has a new baby. Obviously he can't go sailing around the world. Or
can he? If he's thinking in all-or-nothing terms, he will, of course say
"No, I can't go sailing around the world unless I want to be a jerk and
leave my wife and child." But that's thinking in one extreme or the
other, and life very rarely needs to be so black-or-white.
He
wakes up one night with a realization. He has been blinding himself
with all-or-nothing thinking! He comes up with a plan. He will set aside
twenty dollars a week in a Sailing Fund. As he does better at work,
he'll increase that amount. But for now, he uses the money for sailing
lessons and boating safety classes and books on celestial navigation,
always leaving aside a little to accumulate for the purchase of an
actual boat. He learns about boat design.
It takes him
three years before he learns enough to decide what design of boat he
wants to get. It takes him another year to figure out what course he
will chart, what places he will visit, etc. As his son gets older, they
go sailing together on rented sailboats. His son learns how to sail. The
father teaches him how to reef the sails, how to steer, how to navigate
by the stars.
By the time the son is fourteen, the
family decides to go for it. They sell their house, buy a sailboat, fill
it with supplies, and what do you know? His purpose wasn't silly or
impossible after all. It may be, in fact, the highlight of their lives.
Another
thing that kills dreams or prevents the development of a strong sense
of purpose is that interest dies. But here you have to be careful. Did
your interest die because you actually lost interest now that you know
more about it, or did your interest die because of the way you're explaining setbacks to yourself?
There
are certain ways to explain setbacks in your life that will kill your
enthusiasm, destroy your interest, and prevent the development of a
sense of purpose. If your interest has been killed by a feeling of
defeat, you can revive that dormant interest and fill your life with
purpose and meaning. (Read more about that here.)
It's
important that the goals you seek give you a sense of meaning — that
they aren't only about material gain. It's true that any goal is better
than no goal, but it's also true that if you have a choice, you ought to
choose high-quality goals, goals that will give you a great deal of
satisfaction and even meaning.
Susan Krause Whitbourne
did a long-term research project, starting in 1966. She saw a particular
psychological measurement steadily decline over the years. It's called
"ego integrity," which is a composite characteristic having to do with
honesty, a sense of connection with others, a sense of wholeness, and a
feeling that life has meaning.
Between 1977 and 1988,
ego integrity took a universal dive. The life-satisfaction scores were
as low as they could go on her measurements. "People got caught up in
chasing the materialistic dream," says Whitbourne, "They got recognition
for their achievements, yet don't feel that what they are doing matters
in the larger scheme of things."
Your enthusiasm for
your goals will peter out if you don't set goals with real meaning for
you. And they can peter out if you explain setbacks poorly, making
mistakes in your explanations like all-or-nothing thinking. You can
check your own thinking with this exercise.
Goals
can provide you with one of the most reliable sources of good moods.
Making sure your enthusiasm doesn't peter out is worth the trouble.
Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.
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