Connect With People to Reduce Anxiety

When you feel anxious fairly often, it tends to isolate you socially. Even surrounded by people, even with a lot of acquaintances, you can feel isolated. And the feeling of isolation tends to increase your feelings of anxiety or stress.

One reason is because feeling connected to others is soothing, and if you are not connecting, you are missing out on a very good way to feel calmer and more relaxed. Feeling close is very relaxing. Feeling loved is comforting. It is a powerful anxiety-reducer. In surveys asking people what kind of things improve their mood the best, the most common answers all involve interacting with people.

One very good step toward eliminating a feeling of isolation and increasing your feelings of connection is to increase your people-skills.

The two most practical books I've ever come across on the fine art of dealing with people are Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People and Les Giblin's How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People. They said a lot and they said it well. But I have a few more things to add.

Both of those books emphasize using the techniques to get what you want, and they could be used in a way that does not bring you closer to people. But they can also be used to increase your comfort and connection with people. And when that is your intention, the methods in those two books work very well indeed.

How do you go about increasing your skills? Simple: Get one of those books and read it. Pick two or three skills and work on them in all your interactions.

What do I mean "work on them?" I'll give you an example from Dale Carnegie's class. He was a master of practicality — he got people using the principles, not just reading about them. In his class, which is about public speaking, one of the books you get is How to Win Friends and Influence People. The class meets once a week, and every member of the class gets up and speaks for two minutes twice every week. One of those speeches is on a principle from the book. Carnegie's book ends each chapter with a short principle you can easily remember and apply.

So the teacher assigns a principle, and the class members are told to apply that principle at least once in the coming week and then tell the audience about it the next week.

Since you need to have something to say the following week, you try applying the principle where you can, maybe two or three times to make sure you get a good story to tell. Trying it out, you see how well it works, and you tend to keep using some of the principles from then on. It's a clever system.

What is a people-skill? What am I talking about? I mean basic things like using a person's name when you're talking to her, or noticing something you like about her and telling her you like it, or learning to draw her out in a conversation by asking good questions and showing interest. Those are three people-skills.

In How to Win Friends and Influence People you'll find a bunch of them. Read through a book like that and choose one or two or three you think would really help you if you practiced it, and practice them until they start to feel natural. Then find a couple more, etc.

I think most people conceive of people-skills as a way to persuade people, manipulating their emotions to get them to do what you want. But it doesn't usually reduce anxiety to use people-skills that way. It often increases anxiety.

Let us conceive that the purpose of practicing people-skills is to bring you and others closer together. To cultivate affection, others for you and you for others.

And whenever you get close to people, the process involves moving from relatively superficial conversations to more meaningful conversations as you get to know each other. The people-skills in Carnegie's and Giblin's books are perfect for helping you cross that gap. They are the skills that help you turn a stranger into a friend or lover, if you use those skills with honesty and integrity.

And as you get closer to people, your mood will rise and your anxiety and feelings of isolation will begin to disappear, and you are on your way to a better life.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

Direct Your Mind: What Good Have I Been Ignoring?

You can direct your mind by asking yourself a good question. This is one of my favorites: What good have I been ignoring? The answers go on and on, improving my mood the whole time. I keep thinking of more and more good things I've been ignoring. The question almost demands it.

The emotional fallout from this question is abundant good feelings of happiness, gratitude, and pleasant surprise. When you ask a question like this, you’ll find answers everywhere. The question makes you look. You’ll realize someone has done something nice for you and you hadn’t really noticed. You’ll remember a great time you had a couple weeks ago and realize you hadn’t thought of it since then.

The question sets your mind to be on the lookout for good you’ve overlooked. You’ll notice good news items you might not normally notice, like how this lake got cleaned up or that disease now has a cure. The question helps overcome a natural tendency of the mind to get used to good things and only notice bad things. Read more about the mind's negative bias here.

What has been improving? What’s been getting better?

Ask this question, think of some answers, and ask it again.

This is especially a good question to ask if you’ve had your attention on what has been getting worse, or if you've had a feeling things are going badly, or you’re worried they will go badly.

This question won’t solve all your problems, of course, but it can reduce the amount of distress you’re feeling by widening the tunnel vision stress causes. You’re not trying to fool yourself or pretend everything is rosy. You’re looking to acknowledge the reality of what is good or has been getting better.

When those are acknowledged, you are less distressed and more able to make things even better. And it is good for your mood. A good mood is healthy and productive.

What good have you been ignoring?

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Fasting's Salutary Effects

Below is a quote from the book, The First Survivors of Alzheimer's: How Patients Recovered Life and Hope in Their Own Words by Dale Bredesen:

"Fasting has numerous salutary effects, from enhancing ketosis to improving glycemic control and supporting insulin sensitivity to improving lipid status to improving blood pressure to enhancing autophagy and mitophagy, among others. Thus fasting is the base of the brain food pyramid (at least twelve hours between the end of supper and the start of breakfast or lunch, and at least three hours between supper and bedtime). The earlier in life you begin fasting, the longer and more thoroughly you will reap the benefits."

Four Of Our Kindle Books Are On Sale Now

Four of our books, in their Kindle versions, will be on sale starting Friday, April 5th until Thursday, April 11th, 2024:

Slotralogy: How to Change Your Habits of Thought: On sale for 99 cents. Using one of the simplest self-help methods ever created, this small book shows you how to change the one thing that will change everything: Your habitual way of thinking.

Self-Help Stuff That Works: On sale for $1.99. This is a collection of short, easy-to-read, to-the-point chapters on how to have a better attitude, how to do better at work, and how to deal with people more successfully. The chapters were originally articles published in the newsletter, At Your Best, where Adam Khan's column was voted the reader's favorite.

How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English): On sale for 99 cents. You know from experience that when you change your perspective on something that troubles you, it can sometimes quickly change how you feel, and improve the way you deal with challenges. This small book explains how to change your perspective deliberately and reliably, which will make you feel good more often and get more of your goals accomplished. This is a short, practical, interesting, easy-to-read book on reframing the events in your life so you're more capable of dealing with them and better able to keep a good attitude.

Cultivating Fire: How to Keep Your Motivation White Hot: On sale for 99 cents. While it's true that sometimes you are naturally motivated, especially immediately after deciding on a goal, it is also true that you can cultivate motivation or let it do what it naturally does most of the time, which is fade away. Motivation is a tremendous power. A highly motivated person can accomplish seemingly impossible things. In this short book, you will learn how to stoke your inner fire to get (and keep) your motivation burning white hot. This not only makes you more capable of accomplishment, but it makes life more fun. Would you like to see what you are really capable of? Intense motivation can unleash it.

Confession and Repentance

The two oldest known self-help techniques in the world are confession and repentance. Before you can change, you must be able to admit (at least to yourself) what you're doing that isn't good. Before you can be honest with another, you have to at least admit the truth to yourself. Or to someone you trust. That's confession.

Repentance means a change of heart. Up until now you've been doing whatever you've been doing and justifying it or excusing it in some way. Repentance is no longer making excuses. It means admitting you no longer want to live that way. Repentance is a change in values. It means something else is now more important to you than the rewards you got from the old way.

After confession and repentance, you're in a position to honestly change your life.

This is not a superficial technique. If you're ready to change something that has not yielded before to more casual attempts, take the time and speak to yourself or someone you trust with complete candor. What are your flaws? What character defect is keeping your life stuck and causing problems? That's confession.

And what values do you have that keep that character defect in place? Are they really what you value most? Think about it. Answer truthfully. What do you value more? That's repentance. Ask these questions of yourself. Take the time and be honest.

This method can not only solve your difficult problem, it can simultaneously solve many others as a side effect. It can also lead to a wonderful feeling of aliveness.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

Dancing is Medicine for Dementia

Dancing is complex. It engages different parts of the brain at the same time, says the cognitive scientist, Helena Blumen. And because of this, it beefs up the neural connections between diverse brain regions. Dancing is really challenging to the brain. And it’s also fun.

In a study by German researchers using MRI scanners, they compared elderly people who had done one of two exercise programs – one was the standard kind of thing with strength training and cycling. The other group danced.

Both groups improved their physical fitness, of course, but the dancers had measurably and significantly increased the size of the parts of their brains related to attention, high-level thinking, and working memory – the areas of the brain that usually shrink as we get older. 

In blood tests, the people who danced also had an elevated level of BDNF. This stimulates brain growth, especially in areas responsible for memories. BDNF causes the creation of new brain cells, and energizes the processes that maintain the good health of already-existing brain cells. BDNF also helps your brain preserve and maintain its hundreds of billions of dendrites and synapses (the connections between brain cells). In other words, increasing your blood level of BDNF is a big deal.

That makes dancing a big deal.

Learn more about reversing dementia here.

Learn more about a kind of dancing you can do on your own: WalkDancer.com.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

What to Think When Someone is Rude to You

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies,” wrote Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, “we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” I just finished reading the book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln and I found a good example of what Longfellow was talking about.

Before Lincoln ran for president, he was a small-time attorney. But one day he was invited to participate in an important trial. He was to be co-counsel for the prosecution with a distinguished attorney named George Harding. Harding wanted Lincoln because the judge deciding the case was familiar with Lincoln and liked him.

After Harding hired Lincoln, the case was moved to another city (with a different judge) so Harding hired a different co-counsel, Edwin Stanton. Lincoln didn’t know this and kept working on the case because this was a big opportunity, or so he thought. But Harding and Stanton ignored and shunned Lincoln, at one point referring to Lincoln as a long-armed ape.

Stanton did not want Lincoln involved in the case, and Stanton made this painfully clear. Stanton avoided him at mealtimes, letting Lincoln eat alone even though the two attorneys ate and stayed at the same hotel. Stanton never asked Lincoln to even show him the considerable amount of work Lincoln had already done on the case.

As I was reading this, I thought Stanton was clearly a rude, mean person. Stanton insulted and humiliated Lincoln. A little later in the book, I learned more about Stanton, and he had enough sorrow and suffering in his life to disarm all my hostility.

Stanton had been married and was deeply in love. He was happier than he'd ever been in his life. He and his wife had two children together. Everything was wonderful, but then one tragedy after another tore his world apart. First their daughter died of scarlet fever. While he was still reeling from that heartbreak, Stanton’s wife died of bilious fever.

Stanton almost went insane with grief. Stanton’s sister came to live with him, and she said he often wandered through the house at night sobbing, and screaming, “Where is Mary!?”

A little while later, Stanton’s younger brother got a fever that damaged his brain. He was “unhinged” and purposefully cut his own neck with a sharp instrument and bled to death, spraying blood all over the room, even up to the ceiling. Stanton lived nearby and had to come take care of things. His brother had a wife and three kids that Stanton was now responsible for.

His brother’s gruesome suicide was the last straw. Before these tragedies, Stanton was a cheerful man, full of goodwill toward others. From that point on, and for the rest of his life, Stanton was glum and grumpy. And sometimes rude.

I imagined myself losing my son, losing my wife, losing my brother, and in so doing, I didn’t resent Stanton for his rudeness to Lincoln. I felt sorry for him. Nobody should have to endure that kind of anguish. I believe that's what Longfellow was talking about.

There is only one problem with Longfellow's very sensible outlook — we don't very often find out the secret history of our enemies. Maybe the point is to give people the benefit of the doubt. If someone treats you poorly, you can reasonably assume they have sorrow and suffering enough to disarm your hostility, and you'll probably be right. And even if you're not, you have saved yourself a little suffering. It is less painful to feel sympathy than to feel anger. Here's one way to do it.

I would like to add one caveat to this practical advice: Some people may be more than rude. Some people may actually harm you or deplete your resources or take advantage of your good nature. They are a special case we cover in another article (read it here).

But for the normal, relatively harmless (but grumpy) people you come across in the course of your travels, it will probably save you unnecessary suffering if you make Longfellow's assumption.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

An Easy Way to Share With People About Alzheimer's

We've created a couple of domain names to direct you to the main page for reversing Alzheimer's. This should make it easier to share that page with people you know who have Alzheimer's, or are worried about getting Alzheimer's, or who know someone with Alzheimer's.

reversealzheimers.info

bringthemback.info

They both go to the same page, which has a brief explanation of Dale Bredesen's discovery, plus lots of links to articles and videos for more information. Let's get the word out.

You Don't Have to Wait to Be Tested to Start Reversing Alzheimer's

As you can read here, Dale Bredesen, MD, has discovered a way to not only stop the progression of Alzheimer's, but to reverse it. People on his protocol actually improve on their cognitive scores. 

Bredesen's protocol uses blood tests to pinpoint what's causing the Alzheimer's. It could be inflammation, a nutritional deficiency, insulin insensitivity, a toxic overload, a vascular problem, or a head trauma. 

Once the problem has been identified, steps can be taken to solve it, and the brain begins to recover.

But even before any testing is done, there's quite a bit you can do to move toward recovery on your own. Bredesen has identified seven categories of improvements that make a real difference in your cognitive performance. The categories are:

1. Nutrition
2. Exercise
3. Sleep
4. Stress reduction
5. Brain stimulation
6. Detoxification
7. Supplementation

You can do many of these things on your own, and most of them won't cost you a dime. You can read more about these here: The Bredesen Seven.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

This is Important

If you know anybody who knows someone with Alzheimer's, please send them this link: The Ruthless Progression of Alzheimer's Can Be Reversed.

It is a tragedy, a monumental tragedy that people right now are deteriorating, their memories disappearing, their abilities fading away, unnecessarily, because they are being told with confidence that Alzheimer's is irreversible. They have been given a death sentence. And it's false.

If someone with Alzheimer's hears the news that Dale Bredesen, MD, found a way to reverse Alzheimer's, it's very likely they'll find out from someone who knows them. Someone like you. Think now. Who do you know that is taking care of someone or married to someone who has Alzheimer's or whose parent has Alzheimer's? Please send them this link now. Let them decide. Let them look into it. They have probably never heard of Dale Bredesen's work. They probably don't know anything like it exists.

So much unnecessary human suffering can be avoided. And you can help make that happen.

Here Comes the Judge

You are kind and generous most of the time. But occasionally you judge, label and disapprove of people — sometimes silently in your mind, sometimes aloud, sometimes for significant reasons, sometimes for petty reasons. Judging people causes an underlying resentment that puts you in a bad mood and makes you tired. And it strains your relationships with people. The stresses from different sources in your life accumulate, and this is a source you can do without.

And no matter how you do it or what the circumstances, when you pass judgement on someone, you are very likely making an error — usually committing at least one of these three forms of what cognitive scientists call distorted thinking:

1. Jumping to conclusions. We rarely know the motives or full story behind the actions a person takes, and yet we come to conclusions quickly and easily that “he’s a jerk” or “she’s a fool” or “how rude” or “what a freak.” We condemn people far too easily.

2. Overgeneralization. A judgment normally involves summing up a complex human being in simple terms based on a few or even one instance. That’s poor science and faulty thinking.

3. Overconfidence in one’s own assessment. You don’t really know why other people do things. And yet you hold your judgments with excessive confidence. We all do it. Overconfidence in our conclusions is a fallibility of human nature.

These thought mistakes can be corrected with practice. The technique is simple: Pay attention to your assessments of other people, and then question and criticize your judgments. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you overgeneralizing? Do you have enough knowledge to be able to make such an assessment?

Think about it rationally. Maybe you’re being too hasty. Maybe you’re being unnecessarily harsh. Haven’t you yourself done something similar? Sure you have. But there were extenuating circumstances that at least partially excused you, weren’t there? Maybe this person has reasons too, but you don’t know about them. It’s not only possible, it’s very likely.

Question your judgments and you’ll find that many of them aren’t worth much, and you’ll stop holding them.

And what will happen? You’ll feel less stress. You’ll find your relationships gently blossoming in a new way. You’ll be able to talk to the person more freely. You’ll be more relaxed. Conflicts will be easier to resolve because you’ll be able to communicate without anger (no judgement, no anger) and without making the other person defensive (when you’re not judging, people don’t feel attacked, so they don’t get defensive). And in the long run, less stress, anger, and frustration adds up to better health too.

Once you start paying attention to it, you may find out you’re in the habit of judging people a lot. Does this make you bad and wrong? No. Only human. Judging yourself is faulty thinking too.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Generate Friendliness: Something the World Needs Now, and Something You Would Enjoy

The Buddhist tradition teaches a meditation technique called metta, which is translated as loving-kindness. It's the culmination and end result of the practice of Buddhism, yet it's a simple meditation that brings surprisingly good results right away.

It only takes a few minutes, but it can imbue you with warmth and relaxation and improves the quality of your relationships without making you any less effective. In fact, in relationships that are difficult for you, it will make you more effective.

Here's how to do it:

1. In a quiet place, close your eyes and relax for a moment.

2. Think of anything that gives you a warm, loving feeling. It could be a memory of something someone did for you that touched you, or some story you've read, a scene from a movie, an image of one of your parents or children or siblings, or any thought that generates inside you a friendly feeling.

3. Notice where and what that feeling is. It could be a smiley feeling in your jaw; warmth in your eyes; a relaxed feeling in your abdomen; however you experience it is perfectly fine.

4. Imagine the feeling spreading slowly throughout your body, gradually filling the cells of your body with warm, loving feelings.

5. Slowly open your eyes, and throughout the day, pay attention to that loving-kindness feeling whenever it arises during your day, no matter how slight. You'll notice it talking to someone or shaking hands or thinking about someone. Simply notice the feeling. Pay attention to it and enjoy it.

Love and friendliness are relaxing and enjoyable feelings. It is healthy to feel that way, and the metta meditation brings more of those feelings into your life. It is not only good for you, but any increase in feelings of goodwill, whether in you or in the people you contact, helps make this world a better place.

Get more instruction about how to do metta meditation in the audiobook, Lovingkindness Meditation.

And here's another thing you can do in your daily life that will help create feelings of friendliness and warmth: Becoming Holy.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Subscribe to his blog here. You can email him here.

Becoming Holy

I was watching the movie, Kundun, the true story of the 14th Dalai Lama. One of the things that struck me was how peaceful he was. The actor radiated a deep calm. I understand the real Dalai Lama does too, even under the catastrophic circumstances portrayed in the movie.

As part of their spiritual practice, the Buddhists in Tibet say prayers to bring enlightenment to all beings. They wish others well and pray that people find happiness and peace.

I have tried this, just for the hell of it, and found it feels good. Wishing others well — only in my head, now, I'm not talking about saying anything aloud — feels soothing and calming. One of the most distressing experiences is being angry at people and feeling hurt by them. The habit of wishing others well counters that directly. It makes sense that the practice would lead to peace and calm.

If you were in almost continual prayer or meditation, you could probably remain as tranquil as a holy person, no matter what happened. I know, I know, that's crazy, right? You've got a life to live, and you're not about to meditate it away. But I'm thinking more along these lines: What if when you met with someone, you occasionally said something like this to yourself, "May you find happiness."

What would that do to your state of mind? What if while you were walking to your car to go to work, you said a silent prayer for all beings? What state would that put you in? Would you be calmer or more tolerant if someone tailgated you? I think you would. And why not? Most of the negative thoughts we think about other people are worse than worthless. Why not replace it with the practice of blessing other people?

Now when I say "blessing," I don't necessarily mean anything religious. I'm not much of a religious person. You've probably guessed already. I just mean wishing others well. If you want to think of it as asking God for it, or directing some kind of cosmic energy, or using "mind power" or simply wishing it, the effect on your own body is probably the same.

I've been trying out this idea, and it has some very good effects. I haven't ascended yet, but I'm working on it. Last night a friend of mine really got on my back. We were working on a project together, but she was all over me, overseeing me and questioning me to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything or to make sure I was doing it right, and she was very intense about it. When I got up this morning, I thought about last night and I was mad at her. And resentful. But I tried this method — I made a wish that she find happiness in her life — and immediately it changed my feelings toward her. It changed the way I saw her behavior last night. To wish her well, I had to shift myself to a different point of view and from the new perspective, it was clear to me that she meant well and that reminded me that she's a decent, kind person who has been very good to me. It is as if the act of blessing her disengaged me or unhooked me from my self-righteousness, and I became more the kind of person I want to be.

The day after I wrote this article, I came across a new study by researchers at Columbia University showing that women who were trying to get pregnant were twice as successful if someone was praying for their success. And the people praying for the women were total strangers. The women didn't know they were being prayed for, and the nurses and doctors didn't know either. The researchers were surprised, and weren't sure whether or not they should publish their findings, but they decided to do it because the differing pregnancy rates were so huge between the two groups.

My emphasis in this article has been on the effect on you when you wish others well, but it may also be true (and I thought it might help the effect on you) that it might actually help the other person. I'm pretty skeptical about this stuff, but this isn't the first study I've seen like this. I almost didn't include the study in this article but it seems to add some oomph to my well-wishing to think that my blessings might actually do the people some real good, so I put it in.

Give a silent prayer of good wishes — happiness, well-being, peace — for someone. This is good for you and it might be good for the people you interact with. Sometimes praying for others' well-being feels like a job and you just don't feel like it. When that's the case, wish yourself well. You probably need it.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.