Showing posts with label Being Yourself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Being Yourself. Show all posts

Self-Reliance, Translated

The following is Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay, Self-Reliance, translated into modern English. I have been studying this essay for years. I consider it one of the most significant pieces of writing ever written. I once typed the whole essay word for word and printed it out on my computer as a booklet. I looked up all the words I didn't know, and made footnotes of definitions for each word on the page (and there were a lot of them). I put the essay on tape and listened to it over and over while driving. And I tried to apply it to my life.

Then, to understand it even more deeply, I went over it line by line, trying to write what Emerson was saying in my own words. That rewrite project is what follows. I do not feel I'm a better writer than Emerson. I love his writing. I think it's very powerful. Some of his sentences were so well-said, I included them in this translation just because I didn't want to leave them out. My motivation for translating it came from an entirely different source.

The idea was inspired by a Cliff Notes. I had always considered Cliff Notes as a kind of cheating. If you didn't want to read the real book, you could read a condensed version that tells you everything you need to know to pass a test in school. Then one day I saw the movie Henry V starring Kenneth Branagh. I really liked it but I only understood about half of what was being said. They were speaking English, but three things were hindering my understanding:

1. English was spoken differently back then. They commonly used words we are now unfamiliar with.

2. Shakespeare was a poet, so he often inverted sentences and used unusual phrases in order to make things sound poetic.

3. They were speaking with an English accent.

Emerson's essay is difficult for a modern American today for the first two reasons. Emerson used words that, although I can find them in a dictionary, I've never heard anyone say. And he was a poet, so some of his phrases were meant to be savored rather than read only for their direct meaning.

One day I came across a Cliff Notes on Henry V and I was curious what it had to say, so I read it and found it a revelation. They explained terms and phrases I didn't know. I remember, for example, the phrase, "throwing down a gage." The Cliff Notes explained this. It is an archaic term that means throwing gloves at the feet of someone, which back then meant you were challenging the person to a duel. I could have watched Henry V fifty times and not ever figured that out. But after I learned it, I understood better what was going on when I watched the movie again.

That's what I hope happens after you read my translation. I hope you go back and enjoy Emerson's original and eloquent essay, and understand it better, and really appreciate his creative, powerful prose.

Here, then, is my translation of Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay, Self-Reliance



THE OTHER DAY, I read some original statements written by a famous painter. Whenever I read something truly original, I get a feeling. That feeling is far more valuable than the statements themselves. The feeling fills me with a recognition of a profound truth: That genius is simply to "believe your own thought." "To believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all [people]."

Speak what is true for you, and it will almost always resonate in others.

The voice in your own mind is so familiar to you that you give it no respect. Instead, you give too much weight to the thought of others — your neighbors, your teachers, or some great thinker from the past. But what makes great thinkers great is that they didn't disregard their own thought. They expressed what they truly thought; they listened to their own voice.

You must learn to detect the light that shines from within and pay it more respect than the blinding illumination of the great minds of all history. When you look at wonderful works of art, let it teach you this.

Let the flashes of genius that hit your mind urge you to stick with your own "spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility" — especially when everyone seems to think otherwise. Speak out what your own perception, your own impression tells you is true and speak with boldness and trust.

As Emerson wrote, "envy is ignorance; imitation is suicide." You have something unique, original, and great to express. Try to imitate someone else and you kill off that originality which is you. Envy is a lack of appreciation of your own special gifts.

Nobody knows what your special gifts are, and you won't know until you try to express them. Follow your own interest. It will lead you where you need to go.

You are an expression of this vast and wondrous universe. You are one of the things the universe is doing right now. This immense, mysterious existence is expressing itself everywhere at every moment. For the miracle to be expressed through you, it will take courage and a firm dedication to truth and authenticity. The greatness of the universe cannot be expressed by cowards.

Be brave and true to yourself. Put your heart into your work. Do these things with sincerity and you come nearer to being what you truly are: A singular expression of all existence — a genius, a creator, a redeemer, a healer, a teacher, a force for good in the world.

Trust yourself — not your petty self, but that Self you touch in blissful solitude on quiet walks in the mountains, that Self you feel when you are at your highest best.

Completely accept your current situation — the place and time you live in. Accept it and make something magnificent with it. There is no better time. There is nothing to wish for. Genius and wisdom arise when you see that the source of existence is in your heart and works through your hands.

You are not a victim of life. You have a destiny, a part to play in this awesome universal battle between good and evil.

Look at children. They trust their own impression. They haven't learned to calculate how many people oppose their purposes and so they don't alter their purposes accordingly. If they conceive a purpose, they start to accomplish it without any self-censoring calculations.

Infants do not conform. The adults conform to the infant. An infant is charming, attractive, interesting, and the adults gather around and try to please him or her. But listen: There is something just as charming, just as interesting, and just as pleasing about every stage of life, from childhood to old age. Infancy has no monopoly on charm.

Take exactly what you are and find the magnificence of it and express it. Do not weep for younger years or think things will be great only when you get older. Be exactly what you are right now and already your charm starts to manifest.

It is a healthy attitude to consider conciliatory behavior beneath you. In other words, don't try to gain goodwill by displaying pleasing behavior. Don't try to beg for peoples' approval. That is the attitude of someone who doesn't feel he has a right to be what he is, to feel the way he feels, to think what he thinks. But you DO have the right.

Be yourself.

Don't try to figure out what behavior or opinion will make you popular with others. It is disrespectful to the grandeur of who you really are. It is selling your soul for the low outcome of manipulating the superficial affections of others — as if you needed their approval. Be what you are. Be indifferent to the judgments of others, not with a thoughtless or angry defiance, but with the firm knowledge that you are a vital expression of something unspeakably intelligent and good.

Forget about what you have been before. Forget what you've said before. Be what you are now, even if it "isn't you" — that is, even if it seems to contradict what you or others have pigeonholed you to be. Be free. Be the creative force on the crest of the mighty wave of this very instant.

Be exactly what you are right now and what will happen? Your truth, your honesty, your authenticity, will scare some people, and they will actively try to make you stop being true to yourself.

The world is in a conspiracy to make you conform. Others will think they know what you should be and how you should act and what you should think. And they will apply pressure to you to make you conform to it. But if you conform, you lose your soul. You lose your originality. You lose your connection to the Mystery. You lose your creativity and your aliveness.

The people who know you will sometimes resist your creativity. They feel more comfortable with what is familiar.

If you want to be the full greatness you can be, you must give up the game and be your honest self. As Emerson put it, "Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind." Rely on yourself and you become one of those who determine the future of the world.

Not you? Why not you? Many of the people who have changed the course of history also would not have believed that they could or would. But when you rely on yourself and be exactly what you are, a new force moves through you, and a new source of power.

Emerson said, "No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution; the only wrong what is against it." Take the stand that you are the one who knows, and all opposing people and opinions are only temporary fads and "authority" propped up by the mere agreement of mob mentality.

"Go upright and vital," urges Emerson, "and speak the rude truth in all ways." When you hear someone earnestly spouting the latest politically correct opinion, why not be direct and without apology say, "I don't want to hear a popular opinion. What do you really think and why?" This response might be taken as somewhat rude, but honesty is far more beautiful than the pretense of acceptance, and it will do more good. Conditions do not improve when everyone goes along just to avoid seeming rude.

Emerson wrote, "For nonconformity, the world whips you with its displeasure…but the sour face of the multitude, like their sweet faces, have no deep cause…but are put on and off as the wind blows and the newspaper directs." Have the fortitude to treat this displeasure "as a trifle of no concernment." The displeasure is really beneath your notice.

The reason conformity is so damaging is that it "scatters your force." It takes the pure, strong, true expression you are and blurs it into feebleness and mediocrity.

But go about your business with a deep honesty, and your power shines through, your genius arises, your true goodness has a chance to show itself, and your creativity is set on fire.

Do not join any crowd. Every club or group tries to make each member a "retained attorney," locked into one perspective, chained to a set of beliefs that blind you to the truth. You can no longer just see. You are driven to justify a certain point of view, to uphold a fixed perspective, cutting away your freedom and cutting you off from a free expression of the immense intelligence you really are.

As a painful example of the sensation of being locked away from your own soul, consider the feeling you get when talking to people you don't feel comfortable with, wearing a forced smile, a painful smile, while you converse on topics that don't interest you. It makes your face hurt. The discomfort of it is a clear signal. In your dishonesty you have stuffed a towel into the tube through which your life and creative force flow, leaving you without power or comfort or peace or happiness.

Follow your deep whim. Do what you truly want to do — not your superficial, thoughtless impulses, but when you are here, now, being as nakedly honest with yourself as you can, speak and act from that unmasked honesty and authenticity and your perceptions will strike a chord in the hearts of others, for the center of their Self converges with the center of yours.

People do and say things much of the time in the spirit of someone trying to make amends or to atone for a sin. They take actions as if to justify or excuse themselves. Their whole demeanor reeks of apology.

But I need no excuse. I'm not here to please the world. I'm here to live. My life exists as an end in itself, without needing justification. My life is for itself and not for a show.

If my motivations are base, so be it. Better that they are base and honest than lofty and phony.

My life should be unique and original. It should not be like any other and no apology is needed for that. Act from the center and your life is a saving grace, a triumph, a work of art, a cavalry charging over the hill to win the day.

You have the right to be what you are. Never allow the well-meaning people to make you pay for that privilege. You are what you are and you need no stamp of approval or sponsor to grant you the authority to be so.

All that needs to concern you is your own task, not what people think about it or you. This is difficult and may be the only defining difference between those who are great and those who are mediocre.

When you are alone, you can be yourself. When among your fellows, you are bended by their desire for you to be this or that. The ultimate attainment is to keep that solitary independence when among others.

Trust yourself. Don't concern yourself with what you have said or done in the past. Others have seen it and expect you, even insist, that you act that way in the future.

Set yourself free. Learn and grow and extend your understanding. Create yourself newly, freshly, honestly every day.

When your soul is moved, yield to it, even if it contradicts what you knew or thought in the past.

Do not try to be consistent. Trying to be consistent blocks the new creation that is constantly attempting to flow out of you. "Speak what you think today in words as hard as cannonballs, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today." Yes, you will be misunderstood. All great souls have suffered this indignity. You'll be in excellent company. You will be a cause, a creator, an architect of a new world, as all great souls have been who had the guts to see the world with honest eyes.

Act and speak from that honest place and when you look closely at what you've done, it may seem you spout contradictory statements while you try to express the profound paradox the truth encompasses. The course of a missile looks like a zigzag up close because it is constantly correcting its flight path. But when you look at it from a distance it flies straight and true to its mark. In the very same way, you will find that your honest expression will have a deeper, more intelligent trajectory than you could have realized from so close a perspective.

Our puny conscious mind cannot see the big picture. Our feeble efforts of willpower are completely outmatched by the grandeur of the will of the universe, and to second-guess it or to think you can edit it in-flight is the arrogance of the ignorant. Give up your effort to censure yourself. Be an honest, open expression and you will be surprised at the height of your knowing in the long run.

Be great enough to be true now, with self-trust, with self-reliance, with a self-sufficiency, independent of your own pet theories or the scolding fingers of others. Trust yourself and shine from the center and your genius will justify you in the end.


HEROES

The force of your independent character is surrounded by, as it were, an escort of angels — surrounded by all the great souls of history who have defied the status quo and acted from the source.

We respect and admire the brave heroes of the past because they were true to themselves. And in the end we will respect and honor those who do it now. Honor is not superficial. It is eternal and that's what makes it great. It does not try to please or appease, it does not try to win our respect, and so ultimately wins it.

Cultivate a profound indifference to circumstances, opinions, and authority. Do this and future generations will bring your original work to its full fruition. The world will follow you.

The reading of history is the reading of the biographies of a few strong people who took resolute action, often against tremendous popular resistance — resistance to nonconformity, resistance to genuine, original thoughts and actions.

Know your worth and keep your feet on the ground. Do not sneak around, afraid, as if you had no right to be what you are. Know your true worth and allow the source to express itself.

You see great works — statues, buildings, machines, books, and you feel belittled by them, put in your place, puny, unworthy. But you're looking at it all wrong. Their greatness awaits your judgment. Emerson wrote, "The picture waits for my verdict; it is not to command me, but I am to settled its claims to praise."

The state of humankind is like a king who has forgotten his place and wanders the world like a beggar. Don't make that mistake! Wake up, be what you are, express your genius and your originality.

Do not envy or feel inferior when you read of a great soul. So they were great. So what? Did they use up greatness? No! Your own actions have as much potential to affect the future if you would be exactly what you are — fully and truly.

When you express your unique gifts, the honor will be transferred to you just as readily.

Great souls have existed at all times since the beginning. There are no fewer great souls now than ever have been. In fact, the number is probably greater if the percentage stayed the same. You will find a startling similarity between all self-reliant souls of history, no matter what time and place they lived. What they share is that the great souls leave behind no classification into which others may fit. Anyone who is truly in the same category will not seem similar, but will be wholly unique.

We should look at the reverence we give to presidents and statesmen and the supersuccessful and realize it is the level of respect we should give to each other. These great people were ordinary folks who decided to take matters into their own hands, to fulfill their destinies — sometimes at great personal cost. Any one of us has a latent greatness if we would only break free of conformity.


THE SOURCE

All original action has an undeniable magnetism. Why? Think about it: The source of those original actions is the center and source of all things. That center is what can be trusted. That center is the source of genius, of moral strength, of self-discipline, and the source of all life and all aliveness.

At the center of you is the center of all things. That source of being and wisdom is not separate from all other things but emanates and expresses itself alike in all things. Yet we walk this earth feeling like an unconnected, isolated, self-contained individual.

Here is the source of action and thought. Here is the source of the highest form of inspiration. Emerson wrote, "We lie in the lap of immense intelligence, which makes us organs of its activity and receivers of its truth."

When we recognize justice or truth or goodness, we are not creating it. We are not putting it there, but merely opening to a perception of something that already exists. We allow ourselves (or not) to receive the recognition. We do not make it so by our acknowledgment.

Decisions, opinions, conclusions — these are deliberate acts. But when you look at a flower, whether or not you perceive its color is not up to you. Perception is not under your voluntary control. The deliberate acts of our minds can be disputed, but perception is final and undeniable.

If I perceive something and point it out to someone else, they will perceive it also. And even if I am the first human to ever notice it, I have opened the way for future generations to notice it forevermore.

Although perceptions can be shared, what is perceived is always new, always now. Relying on old philosophies or dogmas misses the fact that all of the universe is being created now, and you need rely on nobody else to tell you what is. You can receive your knowing directly.

When a person recognizes the truth of something, all former teachings crumble to dust and blow away. The source is eternally now, and dissolves all past and future in its ever-emanating center.

If a person claims to know of divine matters but uses ancient language from another country, do not believe it. Why worship the past? The truth is here, now, as fully and completely as it has ever been. You need no ancient description of the color of the sky; you only need to look up. You can describe it however you want to describe it. Memorizing former descriptions misses the point entirely.

Do not be hesitant. Do not cower in shame or fear. Don't quote some wise man of former ages. Say boldly what you perceive now.

Let us hope we do not always think so highly of ancient teachings and obsolete languages. We are like children who memorize rules and ideas, struggling to remember the exact words. Later, when they come to understand more about the world, they can throw away those words and perceive the truths for themselves, saying it just as well from their own present understanding, in their own words. Let us do the same.

"If we live truly," wrote Emerson, "we shall see truly." Live a deeply honest life, and you will perceive what is. Then what old wisdoms need to be remembered? When you live truly, your experience will be original and new. Your experience will be a continual surprise and delight.

A deeply honest person does not remind you of anyone else. A deeply honest person's experience will be utterly unique and singular. You will not be following any known path because you are making a path. You will have no fear. You will have no hope. "Fear and hope are alike beneath it." You will have a tranquillity and serenity as you gaze upon the immensity of universal causation. All time, all space, all distance, all things will be seen through as inconsequential. A rigorous, unrelenting, bold honesty is the path to that ultimate level of sight.


THE WORLD AS IT IS

To clearly see the need for this philosophy of self-reliance, all you need to do is look at our modern world. We are, by and large, timid and easily disheartened. The truth scares us. Death scares us. The future scares us. And we are afraid of each other.

What we want is for someone to rise up and make things right, but what we see is that most people are seriously lacking real personal power. They're passive. They lack real purpose. They whine. They feel entitled to much more than their contribution merits. They have no backbone, no guts, no character.

Why? Because they've been beaten down by the opinions of others. They've conformed. And in conforming, they've lost their connection to their own selves. We have all done it. We have tried to avoid the battlefield where truth fights it out with the dark forces. We fear failure and we fear doing something original. If a young person does well in high school and doesn't go on to a good college, we fear for her future. If a young businessman fails, we think he is ruined. This is ridiculous. I am ruined or not, beaten or not, depending on what I say to myself. If I boldly think strongly, I'll pick myself up and go on. With this attitude, I can try and fail at many things and come out all right. If I took the attitude of our society to heart, I would give up at the first sign of failure, climb into a bottle, and complain loudly for the rest of my life.

We are not victims, we are creators. Maybe some great teacher will come along who will reveal to us our own power. The teacher would tell us we must detach ourselves from our reliance on the values and opinions of our culture. We must become independent. We must become self-reliant. If we would trust ourselves, we would find our powers multiplied. We have come to put the world right, and should be embarrassed by the sympathy of others. The moment you take genuine self-sourced and original action, nobody will pity you. They will admire and emulate you, now and in generations to come.


REVOLUTION

We need a revolution — a self-reliance revolution — a new level of trust in the divinity within each of us. Here are some areas where the revolution can be started in your own life:

1. LIVE IN THE PRESENT

Time doesn't exist at the core of all things as it emanates this instant. It is perfect at every moment — just what it is, complete, whole, and right now.

But we habitually ignore the present. We regret the past or yearn for it; we strain our minds to perceive the future; we dismiss the wonder of what is here now. There is one elemental truth that you must understand now, and re-understand every day: You can't be happy or strong until you live in the present, beyond time.

The ever-present creation of all life is always dynamic, always new. This eternal lifesource, when it is flowing through you, will be shut down by retiring, by attainment, by ending the quest and deciding you now have The Answer. It is opened back up again by re-entering the ever-changing river of existence. As Emerson put it, the soul becomes.

When you are present and becoming, you are one with the river, and so your actions have power. But hold still, and your power vanishes.

Ride that ever-flowing emanation with your deep honesty, and you are more powerful than kings and countries. People will appear to bend to you, to follow you, but they are not following you — they become the same sun as you are and shine forth light with the same light. Honesty is reality. Honesty is the creator, the ruler. Things are as real as they are honest.

Every honest action reveals a quality, an excellence, and you can't help but respect and admire it.

From this point forward, let us restrain our impulse to wander, to imitate, to envy. Let's look right here and express what we feel needs to be expressed the way we feel it ought to be expressed. We will "stun and astonish" the less honest with our simple expression of truth. They don't need to look any further than you: The divine pulse is right here, shining out of you into their face and they will feel an incomprehensible shock of recognition.

Next to the richness you are floating in, everything else is shabby and petty. Dive into your ocean within to swim in your indescribable wealth rather than trying to beg a cup of water from someone else.

2. SOLITUDE: A KEY

The ocean within can only be reached through solitude. The pressures, the desires, the opinions, the complaints, of others — even though we love each other — only cloud and obscure your vision. Solitude allows the dust to settle and the air to clear. Then you can see truly. Then you can attain the independence and strength and clarity that you will require if you wish to retain your honesty while among people. Otherwise, your human inclination is to acquire the notions and prejudices of your friends and family.

Solitude will free your mind and ears and soul from the constant, unimportant interruptions. Learn to distance yourself from too much entanglement in the problems or goals of others. Certainly shine light where it may help, but their goals and problems are theirs, and yours are yours, and keeping that distinction is the only way it can work.

Remember this: Getting caught in the web of others can only be done with your consent. You give your consent out of weakness.

But no more.

Your solitude and your deep honesty will strengthen you and guide your attention vitally and healthfully.

3. RIGHT SPEECH

Another key in the quest of deep honesty is to simply try to speak truly.

Up until now, you have sometimes expressed agreement where you really disagreed, you have gone along with what you knew was wrong, you have failed to correct mistaken assumptions, you have restrained your honesty to save others' feelings. You have shut yourself off from your own freedom and power in order to keep them safe from a painful truth, or merely to keep them liking you. You have taken the golden heart of the universe and traded it for a "benefit" which it is beneath you to desire.

Throw away your pretense and enter reality. Say to the people you know: "I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you." No longer hide your likes and dislikes. Trust that "what is deep is holy." Do and say what truly and deeply delights you. Do and say what makes you feel serene and content at the core of your being. As Emerson put it, "I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me and the heart appoints." Not what superficially titillates, but that which resonates with bliss at the deepest and highest within you.

Emerson suggests you say to your friends and family, "If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth."

This new way of being, this discipline to speak the truth, will sometimes seem excessively harsh. But if you follow the path of honesty, you will ultimately enter the flow of the river — you will ultimately live in reality instead of the tangle of lying, misleading, and pretending that passes for reality.

Yes, your honesty will cause pain. But will you sell your freedom and power to save someone from an unpleasant feeling? Especially when the feeling is an appropriate response to reality?

In time, if the person will consent to look, they will perceive the truth too, and thus may begin a life of honesty.

To others it may seem as though you have rejected all rules simply because you do not conform to the rules of your culture. But the discipline of honesty has its own strict code and profound principles, and if anyone thinks this is an easy path, let him try to keep the regimen for one day, and he will be set straight. Emerson wrote, "Truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity and has ventured to trust himself for a task-master. High be his heart, faithful his will, clear his sight, that he may in good earnest be doctrine, society, law, to himself, that a simple purpose may be to him as strong as iron necessity is to others."

4. PRAYERS

When you pray for anything but the good of all, you are out of touch. Praying for some special favor is a demonstration of the lack of self-trust. That kind of prayer arises out of a lack of knowledge about the unity of all things. Prayer, if engaged in at all, should be a "contemplation of the facts of life from the highest point of view." It is the monologue of a grateful soul. It is the universe acknowledging itself.

When you live as an open expression of the mystery and grandeur of the universe, you will not beg for private favors in your prayers. You will see all action as prayer. Do not miss this point. Deep honesty will reveal the true way to pray: Take action.

Another form of misguided prayer is regretting the past. If there is some action you can take that will help the situation, then take it. Regret comes from a lack of self-discipline.

And sympathy falls into the same category. We sit down and pat the hands of those who bring trouble on themselves instead of speaking the truth boldly "in rough electric shocks" that might jar them out of their fog and self-created illusions and put them in touch with their own powerful soul.

The secret of success is simply this: Take pleasure in self-derived work. "Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man." People love and admire him because he does not need their love and admiration. We celebrate his triumphs because he persevered when everyone was against him.

Not only are our prayers an expression of a "disease of the will" but those principles we live by are an expression of an equally pathetic "disease of the intellect." For the most part, when I speak to someone, I am alone because I am not likely to be speaking to a deeply honest person. I'm not likely to meet the universe expressing itself through him. No. He will be following some creed or other, not of his own creation. He will be relying on the external rules created by others rather than trusting himself. He will recite "truths" he has borrowed from others. But each soul is an entirely new classification. Not a new member of an already-existing class. A new class. Each person is original — or at least should be! But people are, for the most part, followers. They do not create or initiate genuine actions, but copy and follow.

When an un-self-reliant person finds some new philosophy, she will think it is the end-all, be-all, the all-encompassing truth. It is natural to feel an enthusiasm for new ideas, new systems — at least for awhile because you can feel the new philosophy has expanded your understanding and the reach of your mind. A self-reliant soul, however, will outgrow the system and go beyond it. The weak mind will stop seeking and consider the new philosophy the only truth and will refuse to understand how anyone else could see the light without the particular teachings of this one master. But the light will shine on any open mind. It makes no narrow discriminations. It only requires honesty to open the door, and it will happily beam bright and warm into the humblest shack.

If our follower would become honest and self-reliant, the master's philosophy would crack at the edges and fall away, allowing the light to shine directly on this newly-honest soul.

5. TRAVELING

Another area to start this revolution of self-reliance is in the habit of traveling. It is ironic that we will travel thousands of miles to see great architecture rather than staying home and building our own great works — something the architects of these great foreign buildings obviously did.

Of course there is a place for travel, but not as a way of finding anything. You take yourself with you wherever you go, and if you are not at ease in your own home, you will not be at ease anywhere else. If you hope to find something greater than your own surroundings when you go traveling, you will be sadly disappointed. Greatness is everywhere, even where you are, if you would open your eyes and look. As Emerson wrote, "Traveling is a fool's paradise." You may travel to get away from yourself, but no matter how far you go, when you wake up in this new place and look in the mirror, there you are. You can't escape yourself.

6. IMITATION

The sixth area ripe for a self-reliant revolution is the disease of imitation, which is a kind of traveling of the intellect. We admire styles and ideas that seem foreign, from another country or another time. But in each place and time, great works were created then and there. The model was in the mind of the artist and not anywhere or anywhen else.

Remember this: Beauty and magnificence are as near to you as to anyone, and if you would decorate your house and your mind with what fits your own disposition, your own tastes, your own place and time, you will find it extraordinary and wonderful, fitting and satisfying.

"Insist on yourself," wrote Emerson, "never imitate." You can express your own talents every moment, and those talents have been accumulating power and refinement your entire life. But when you try to imitate or adopt the talents of another, you have only a superficial "half-possession."

Whatever you can do best, nobody can teach you but your own deep source and your own work and practice. Where was the genius who could have taught Shakespeare? Who could have taught Thoreau or Einstein or Edison? Every great soul is unique and original. What makes Thoreau great is that very part he could not borrow from anyone else. A new Thoreau could never be made by the study of Thoreau.

Do the task that calls to you and you cannot be too optimistic about the outcome. There is, right in this moment, a great work inside you — a work as awe-inspiring as the Great Pyramid, the 5th symphony, or the Theory of Relativity, but different from them all. The source of the universe is capable of infinite expression, and if it has the use of a new mouthpiece (from your newly-acquired deep honesty), it will not repeat itself. Why would it? If you had an infinite number of different things to say, why would you ever repeat yourself? Any true expression through you will be wholly new and original.

And if you think you are not that great, that you aren't capable of originality or greatness, think about this: If you have the power to understand what another great soul has expressed — if you understand those great words, if you grasp the beauty of a painting, if you recognize the genius of a piece of music — surely you also have the power to answer in the same tone of voice as an equal. If you are up to the level of understanding, you are on an equal plane, and can reply in kind. You may not know how to paint or write music, but you have a genius of expression with which you can reply. You and I have greatness inside us waiting to get out. Open the gate with deep honesty.

7. WHAT REALLY IMPROVES

The self-reliance revolution needs to revamp our ideas about improvement. You cannot improve "society." It changes, but the change is not improvement — for everything that becomes better, something becomes worse. We get new forms of entertainment and they waste hours of our time, distancing us from our loved ones, making us feel isolated and alone in a world full of people. We get electricity and the light bulb, and it throws our carefully-evolved biological system, attuned for eons to the earth's cycles of light and dark, out of balance. We get new modes of transportation and lose some health from our drop in exercise. We get labor-saving devices and then both parents have to work to pay for them all.


HOW TO BE HAPPY

Circumstances are insignificant and relatively inconsequential. We look to things, to property, to external situations to make us happy, to make us good, to make us feel satisfied or redeemed. These things cannot be gotten from circumstances or ownership of anything.

We have a tendency to make the mistake of measuring each other by what we have rather than by what we have become. But property is superficial. When you act from your center, you will probably acquire property, but it doesn't matter because the important gain is not material goods but a stronger character. You have become a more excellent channel for the universal will.

Another form of external property is our thirst for the agreement of others. We want large groups of people to believe as we do, and we feel stronger every time a new convert joins our group, whatever our group may be: vegetarian, democrat, positive thinker, whatever. But the nature of wisdom and power works in exactly the opposite way. You gain access to the universal expression only by letting go of the opinions, customs, rules, and systems of others and stand alone, original, self-reliant, self-trusting, self-sourced.

If you would release your fearful clinging to the wisdom of others and throw yourself on your own wits, you would instantly right yourself like a ship heeled over and suddenly becoming upright again. Your balance returns. Your power surges back up. Your weakness was caused by your lack of confidence in your own wisdom.

Don't rely on luck, either. Trust in the law of cause and effect. Do your work. Speak the truth. Live your life with deep honesty, and you have made luck irrelevant. The causes will produce their effects, luck or no luck.

And if some lucky good fortune comes your way — you win the lottery, your annoying neighbor moves away, the value of your stock suddenly rises — you may be tempted to think luck is on your side. Don't believe it. External circumstances have no lasting value. Deep honesty and only your deep honesty can bring you true satisfaction and contentment.

Get the translation above in book form. Available on Amazon here.
Author: Ralph Waldo Emerson
Translator: Adam Khan

Solitude is More Than a Desire: It is a Need

We have a healthy craving for quiet solitude. I know there are a few people who are afraid of being alone, but the rest of us find it soothing and rejuvenating and it doesn't happen nearly as much as we'd like.

Solitude is therapeutic. Spending time in solitude doing what you want at a pace that is natural to you, without any interruptions, without having to take others into consideration, without any external pressures or the need to hurry, is deeply satisfying and personally I classify it as a psychological need.

It is unnatural for human beings to have no time to think. It serves an important function, I think, much in the same way dreaming does. Dreaming may seem to be a waste of time, but when people are prevented from dreaming — allowed to sleep as much as they want but awakened when they start to dream — after a short while, they begin to hallucinate while they're awake. Dreaming is necessary for mental health.

Solitude and time to think is necessary too, I believe. If you prevent yourself from having time to do nothing, by yourself, allowing free time to think naturally, it makes you less calm, less rational, less happy, less sane, than you otherwise would be. Although I have no experiments I can point to that would validate that assertion, I believe it's true, based on what I know.

In solitude, in the absence of interruptions and distractions, the mind naturally drifts to solving problems, trying out solutions, imagining conversations.

In "primitive" societies, where people don't have the pressures and multi-tasking and so many different forms of diversion, mental illness is almost nonexistent.

Of course, too much time alone isn't healthy either. It's like anything else, you need balance. Not enough exercise is unhealthy, but too much exercise can put you in the hospital. But I think most of us are deficient in solitude and need more of it. Finding it and doing it will require some ingenuity on your part. But you can do it.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

It's nice to be liked, but it is even more satisfying to be respected. And although it takes some effort, you can attain that desire. Here are three places your effort will increase the respect you get from people:

Increase your competence. People respect ability and skill, as long as you are noticeably good. This means trying to be a jack-of-all-trades doesn’t work. Concentrate your efforts. Choose a useful ability and hone yourself into the Mozart of that ability. If the skill is used at your job, your increasing competence may bring you a new pay level too. Work on improving your ability whenever you can. Become a master.

Use good manners. Without using please and thank you and would you mind, without saying hi to people and learning their names and interests, you will not earn people’s respect. Even if you’re competent, you will be resented rather than admired.

Speak up rather than smolder. Do it with good manners, but speak. It takes courage to speak up, and people know that and respect it. But when you speak up, make requests rather than simply complaining. Don’t say what you don’t like about what’s already been done; say what you’d like to see in the future. And think it through beforehand so you say it well.

Don't worry about whether or not people like you. Concentrate on competence and good manners and saying what you need to say, and you’ll get more than liking. You’ll get even more than respect from others. You’ll earn the reward that might matter more than any other: You’ll respect yourself.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Honest Abe

We celebrate Abraham Lincoln's birthday (February 12), and we should. Lincoln was one of the few great men who really was great. Before he became president, Lincoln spent twenty years as an unsuccessful Illinois lawyer — at least he was unsuccessful in financial terms. But when you measure the good he did, he was very rich indeed. Legends are often untrue, but Lincoln was the real thing. George Washington never chopped down a cherry tree, but Abraham Lincoln was honest. During his years as a lawyer, there were hundreds of documented examples of his honesty and decency.

For example, Lincoln didn’t like to charge people much who were as poor as he was. Once a man sent him twenty-five dollars, but Lincoln sent him back ten of it, saying he was being too generous.

He was known at times to convince his clients to settle their issue out of court, saving them a lot of money, and earning himself nothing.

An old woman in dire poverty, the widow of a Revolutionary soldier, was charged $200 for getting her $400 pension. Lincoln sued the pension agent and won the case for the old woman. He didn’t charge her for his services and, in fact, paid her hotel bill and gave her money to buy a ticket home!

He and his associate once prevented a con man from gaining possession of a tract of land owned by a mentally ill girl. The case took fifteen minutes. Lincoln’s associate came to divide up their fee, but Lincoln reprimanded him. His associate argued that the girl’s brother had agreed on the fee ahead of time, and he was completely satisfied.

“That may be,” said Lincoln, “but I am not satisfied. That money comes out of the pocket of a poor, demented girl; and I would rather starve than swindle her in this manner. You return half the money at least, or I’ll not take a cent of it as my share.”

He was a fool, perhaps, by certain standards. He didn’t have much, and it was his own fault. But he was a good human being by anyone’s standards and I’m glad we celebrate his birthday.

Honesty makes you feel good about yourself and creates trust in others. It improves your relationship with yourself and with others. It’s not much in fashion these days to talk about the benefits of honesty and decency, but the benefits are there and they are valuable and worth the trouble.

Lincoln didn’t talk much about religion, even with his best friends, and he didn’t belong to any church. But he once confided to a friend that his religious code was the same as an old man he knew in Indiana, who said, “When I do good, I feel good, and when I do bad, I feel bad, and that’s my religion.”

Honesty. It may be corny, but it’s the finest force for good in the world, and it always will be.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Contradictions in the Work

A woman, let's call her Nicki Klemweff, wrote to me with an interesting question about conflicts in my writings. I was originally going to answer with a quote from one of my favorite pieces of writing (Self-Reliance by Emerson). The quote goes:

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Out upon your guarded lips! Sew them up with pockthread, do. Else if you would be a man speak what you think today in words as hard as cannon balls, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. Ah, then, exclaim the aged ladies, you shall be sure to be misunderstood! Misunderstood! It is a right fool's word. Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh.

But as much as I love that quote, it doesn't answer her questions, and she had some legitimate questions that I could actually answer. Here's what she asked:

Dear Adam,

I study the information on your site closely because it has helped me so much. As a result, I have run across the following points I can't get clear in my mind. I know from experience that you do answer your email, and promptly at that. I am not in a hurry, but as time permits, here is what I need...

I need to have the following quote...

Let’s say you decide, “That’s just the way teenagers are.”

Is that a good explanation? Well, it’s better than, “I can’t make anything work,” but no, it is not a good explanation. Why? Because it implies that the situation can’t change until your kid is an adult. And that may not be true. It is a way of “accepting” the situation without feeling too bad about it. But it doesn’t help you accomplish your goal — having a good relationship with your teen.

...reconciled with:

Accept as natural the conflict between parent and child.

Also, I would very much appreciate having the following quote...

You can become more energetic in ten seconds. Simply start acting more energetic.

You don’t have to feel energetic to be energetic. A nice bonus, however, is that often when you act energetic, it will rev you up and make you feel energetic too.

In other words, act as though you were happy.

If you are angry and want to be calm, act as though you were calm. Do you feel weak and want to be strong? Act as though you were strong.

...reconciled with:

Being yourself is the absence of something, not the presence of something. It is the absence of forcing and restraining yourself. If you force yourself to smile when you don't feel like smiling, you're not being yourself. If you restrain yourself from crying when you feel like crying, you're not being yourself.

Thank you so very much,

Nicki Klemweff





Here's my reply:

Hi Nicki,

I am impressed! I have often thought that someday someone would notice these, and you are the FIRST one who ever has (and my web site has been online for ten years).

One of the problems I run into when trying to keep articles short is that sometimes I don't go into detail about the exceptions to the rule or the caveats. I read scientific articles quite a bit, and of course, they give you a lot of detail, which usually makes it boring or difficult reading, partly because there are so many exemptions and qualifications that the main point becomes hard to follow.

But for people like you who are really paying attention, here is a little more detail: For your first example, I have the word "accepting" in quotes because it is not really acceptance. It is really resignation. It is giving up on a goal you really want. And it is giving up on a goal you could actually accomplish.

On the other hand, some things just "are," like the natural conflict of interests between a parent and a child.

But just because your interests conflict doesn't mean you can't still have a great relationship with her or him. In fact, it is much easier to have a good relationship if you realize, understand, and accept the existence of that natural conflict. As long as you have control over your child, and responsibility for her or him, a good number of conflicting interests will be unavoidable.

Does that answer reconcile the issue for you?

Your second one is a little more complicated. First of all, I say "act as though you were happy," but that phrase is really a kind of shorthand (and therefore somewhat imprecise) way of saying, "experiment with different ways of breathing and walking, experiment with different postures, different looks on your face, different ways of talking to yourself, different ways of using your visual imagination — and use what you find to help you create the state of mind you want at the moment."

But there is another misleading and more fundamental element in this, too. We think "being ourselves" is a permanent thing, as if ideally you would learn to do that ALL the time. But being yourself is a tool like any other. Sometimes it's a good idea to use it, and sometimes it isn't.

If you were being mugged, for example, and you see a cop coming up behind the mugger, catching him in the act, you would of course be very happy, and if you were being genuinely "yourself" you would APPEAR happy, but if you did that, the mugger might do something dangerous, like use you for a hostage in a getaway. So you pretend nothing is happening. You'd probably use the tool called "poker face," right? And that would be an intelligent thing to do. Being rigidly and always your authentic self would be counterproductive.

Another example: Let's say you work in customer service. You handle complaints for a company. Someone calls and they're really angry and they say personally insulting things, which genuinely angers you. If you were "being yourself," not forcing or restraining, you would give the person a piece of your mind.

On the other hand, your employer has hired you to do a job. You have agreed to do that job. You represent the company. It is an obligation of yours to restrain yourself from lashing out and to force yourself to be pleasant. At that time, and for that circumstance, it is wise to choose NOT to "be yourself."

In other words, there are times to use the tool, and times it would be smarter to use a different tool. It depends on your intention. It depends on what you want at the moment.

When you want to be yourself — not for all time, but right now — you know how to do it. And when you want to feel better, you know at least one way that might work — to change your posture, breathing, the look on your face, etc.

By the way, you can change the look on your face in order to fool others into thinking you're happy so they think better of you, or you can change the look on your face as an experiment to see how it changes your feelings. These may be the same action, but they will feel quite different. Why? Because it depends on your intention.

Does that reconcile it for you?

I'm thinking of publishing this answer as an article just for the few, the proud, the intelligent who, every ten years or so, discover these inconsistencies. If I do, would you want me to use your name and quote your questions exactly? If not, I can summarize your questions in my own words and simply call you a "discerning reader." Let me know, and thank you for reading my work with so much commitment.

- Adam


Nicki's response was a good summary. Here it is:

Hi Adam,

Thanks to your concise explanation, I now see that...

"Accept as natural the conflict between parent and child" means: Realize that conflicts are to be expected as you go about pursuing your goal — a better relationship with your teen. (Helpful idea.)

Whereas, "That’s just the way teenagers are" means: Your goal — a better relationship with your teen — is unreachable. (Demoralizing idea, which was your point.)

Issue #2: You can become more energetic in ten seconds. "Simply start acting more energetic" means: Try mimicry as tool to toward pursuing your goal of feeling better. (Helpful idea.)

Whereas: "If you force yourself to smile when you don't feel like smiling, you're not being yourself" means: Pretending to feel cheery when you don't is not an effective way to pursue the goal of being authentic in a given situation. (Also helpful idea.)

I had to smile at your use of the term "tool" in your explanations. I have kept a list of my "slotras" on a document called "toolbox" for years. To me, this type of tool embodies the philosophy of self-help...not advice, but insights distilled from research and experiences. These can then be used as tools by an individual to HELP THEMSELVES live more effectively.

Thanks so much for your kind response,

Nicki Klemweff


Read more: Does It Ruin Your Mood To Be Authentic?

Who Are You Really?

A young man wrote to me and said he was 22 years old, and he had many "voices," many aspects of his personality, and he didn't really know who he was exactly or what he really wanted. He felt that he was one kind of person in some circumstances or with some people, and a completely different kind of person at other times. Here was my answer:

I haven't thought about that issue for a long time, but I remember really having a problem with it for awhile when I was about your age.

I slowly resolved it and thought I'd tell you what happened. One important factor was reading the book, More Perfect Union. It's a great book about how the United States Constitution was created. Many of the actual arguments that were made at the time were carefully written down, and the book reads like a novel, with the real speeches people made. Everybody had good points to make. When I was reading the book, I would read a really good argument, agreeing with everything the speaker said, and then someone else would stand up and make another very persuasive argument in the opposite direction, and I'd find myself agreeing with everything he said, too, even though it conflicted with the first one.

At the end, they had the Constitution, a truly remarkable document. But when it came time to sign it, nobody wanted to. Nobody was happy with it. And that's one of the reasons it's so amazing: It is a huge collection of compromise of opposing viewpoints and clashing ways of doing things. It takes so many things into account, and compromises in so many ways, that no one person got his way.

And I think that's the best way to think of myself. I have different wants, some of them in direct conflict with each other. I want to live a contented life, and I also want to become fabulously successful, for example. Which do I really want? I really want both. I have wasted time choosing one or the other, identifying myself with one or the other. Meanwhile, while I pursued success, I wasn't happy because an important part of me was being neglected. And when I decided to relax and find inner peace, the other part of me yearned for accomplishment. I've had lots of "who am I?" kinds of experiences like this.

I've slowly discovered that for any important decision I have to make, my best bet is to take my time and listen to all my voices: to my reason, to my intuition, to my feelings, to my different wants, to what I've learned from books and other people, to my gut instincts, to my philosophy and principles, to my compassion for others, to my selfish interests, etc. To listen to them all. They don't all get an equal vote. But they should all have a voice. They should all be heard. They all have something valuable to contribute.

All this listening takes time. It can't be done with other people around. But after enough thinking on my own, things start to come clear. It becomes apparent that some aspects are more important than other aspects. I start to see that some voices can be dismissed on this issue. A decision eventually becomes clear. Whether it's a decision of what to say to someone or what goal I will choose.

And then whatever goal I decide on then becomes a major "voice" in my future decisions. And so on.

Sometimes I'm not really happy with a decision I make, but it's the best I can come up with, and that's okay. Nobody was happy with the Consitution when it was done. Nobody wanted to sign it, but Benjamin Franklin got them to sign it by saying, basically, "Look, fellas, after all these months of debate by the finest minds in the country, we've come up with this thing. Never again will this opportunity come around. If we can't sign it now, this best hope for humanity will die here and now." He was right, and they knew it. They all signed.

I have since learned more about politics, and the more I learn, the more complicated each issue becomes because everybody has a good point, and everyone has their own special interests and slanted points of view, and that's very much what it's like inside myself.

However, knowing what my main goals are really helps clarify things. So the first place to start is asking, "What do you want?" I mean, what are your goals? What have you decided is best for you? And if you don't know, that only means now is a good time to take long walks and long drives, and sit by yourself at night listening to your voices, writing in a journal perhaps until a clear goal rises up out of the confusion. Once you have one clear goal, everything becomes less confusing.

I sometimes change my goals. And I think that's okay. But what has remained true is that time by myself thinking is the one thing I haven't done nearly enough of, and the one thing that always helps. I'm always busy working or reading or listening to tapes or watching movies, talking to people, or surfing the internet, and I never seem to get around to thinking, so this most important thing that needs to be done (thinking) ends up getting little pieces of leftover time here and there and that's where I make the big decisions of my life: In little, interrupted, leftover pieces of time. That's not right.

Anyway, I'm off the point a little bit. My point is that you aren't any of those voices. Or rather, you're all of those voices. It would be foolish to try to find the one you want to identify with. I think you can best think of yourself as a kind of committee. And when you're in conflict, you should not try to choose one side or the other. You should find a compromise between them.

Adam Khan is the author of Self-Reliance, Translated, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

You Are a Star (in More Ways Than One)

You are made up of molecules that were created in a sun. That sun (or star) lived a full sun life — a billion, two billion, maybe five billion years — and then at the end of its life it went supernova and exploded, creating a huge cloud of stardust. We know this because the heavy elements existing in such abundance on earth are created in the nuclear furnace of a star.

The dust accumulated, pieces drawn together by their own gravity, and eventually settled into our solar system as we know it.

Not only is all life on earth star stuff, but you are solar powered. The energy from the sun is captured by plants and then converted by you into energy.

And the evolutionary path that led to us was further helped by another star's supernova explosion which created another vast dust cloud filled with radiation. Our solar system passed through that radiation cloud and it caused massive mutations in the early life forms on earth, leading life into new directions, one of which led to you.

You are made up of an old star. You are fueled by a star. And your genetic evolution was crucially influenced by a star. Something to think about...

Adam Khan is the author of Self-Reliance, Translated, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

A Day of Silence

I occasionally fast for a day. I have my last meal in the evening, eat nothing at all the next day, and resume eating the morning after that. I do it because the scientific evidence indicates it is healthy. The body is not really supposed to have three square meals a day every single day. It is unnatural.

It is also healthy for a relationship to go on a communication fast once in awhile. Choose a day you both have off from work and say your last words to each other the night before. Say nothing to anybody the next day and resume talking the morning after that.

To make it even better, fast from every kind of communication. Don't watch television, do email, or even read a book.

This is a powerful practice that will deepen your relationship. Why?

Because any time you can suspend the expression of well-ingrained habits, they become less ingrained. You've had a negative example of this, I'm sure. Have you ever had a regular exercise routine or some other regular practice and after a vacation, never again resume it? Maybe weeks later, you'll realize you haven't been exercising and you'll think you've failed or you are weak-willed or something.

Well, you are not weak. You've merely suspended a well-ingrained habit and made it less ingrained. You can use this phenomenon for your benefit instead of your detriment. When you want to be less automatic — when you want to enhance the freshness of your habits of communication, suspend communicating for a period of time. You'll be able to come back to communicating with more awareness.

And anytime you stop doing something you have fully taken for granted, you learn to appreciate it more.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Forging Mettle

Mettle is a word you don’t hear much these days. It means a strength of mind that gives you the ability to with-stand pain or difficulties with bravery and resolution. Mettle is a quality we all admire. But it isn’t something you are born with. It must be developed. It is strengthened by the way you conduct your everyday life. Specifically, mettle is created by daily making the decision to refuse to flinch.

Everybody knows what it means to flinch. For example, if you pretend you’re going to slug me, and I twitch or blink, I flinched.

Let’s expand and extend that idea in a useful way: Let’s say flinching is any form of shrinking back, pulling away or turning aside, when it’s done to avoid discomfort or difficulty.

Have you ever noticed that you have a strong desire to put your hands in front of your body when you’re standing up and talking to several people who are all seated? Most people do. If you succumb to your desire to put your hands in front of your body, that’s a flinch.

Or say you’re telling someone something she doesn’t want to hear. While you talk, maybe you shift your body’s weight from one foot to another, pick at your fingernails or cross your arms. You flinched!

If you look at someone and they then look at you and you quickly look away, you flinched. Mumbling or speaking quietly is a form of flinching. Someone who is avoiding going to night classes because he’s afraid he might not do well is flinching.

Flinching is an attempt to protect yourself, and it’s very natural. Everybody does it. But there is one major problem with it: Flinching makes you weak. Notice I didn’t say it was a sign that you are weak. The act of flinching itself makes you weak.

But when you have the urge to flinch and you don’t, you gain a kind of strength. And when you look people right in the eyes with your arms hanging by your sides where they naturally hang and you speak truthfully without flinching, you have an unnervingly powerful personal presence.

And you don’t have to spend years getting good at this; you can do it the very next time you talk to someone. It’s easy to do (once you decide to), but when you do it, you will notice a temptation, a craving, a desire — almost an ache — to fidget or look away or at least put your hands in your pockets.

Refuse to flinch.

Make up your mind — as soon as you notice yourself flinching — that you will not flinch. You’ll like the result. A fear just goes out of you. This is especially true if you consider yourself shy to any degree. Don’t flinch, and suddenly the sense of shyness becomes somewhat wispy and transparent, and you’ll start to wonder if there has ever been anything there but a shadow.

Don’t flinch, and feel the power.

Then go on and expand this power by extending the practice into the psychological arena. When someone is “in denial,” it means they are mentally or emotionally flinching; they are looking away or shrinking back or avoiding something real — some truth, some reality — and always in order to avoid discomfort or difficulty.

But always and forever, wherever you flinch, you will be weak. And wherever you refuse to flinch, you will be strong.

This is the “how” of courage. It’s not that during a courageous act a person doesn’t want to run away. What makes it courageous is that the person wants to run away but doesn’t. Courage is refusing to flinch.

Extend your unflinching psyche into any area where you want more personal power.

If you want to be socially strong, don’t flinch in social situations. If you want to be emotionally strong, don’t flinch at emotional feelings or situations. You would benefit if you made this a lifetime practice, a spiritual regimen, a holy discipline.

Wherever you refuse to flinch, you will have power. This will, of course, increase your impact on people. People will admire your courage and look up to you. When this happens, don’t flinch.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

How to Be Yourself

In my lifetime, I have read an immense number of self-help books, and I have come across the sensible advice again and again to "be yourself." It's the only way you're ever going to be happy, it's the only way you can really find your way in the world, it's more honest, it has more integrity, it will help you be more creative and successful, it will give you more energy, your relationships will work a lot better, and it will rid you of a lot of stress.

But I've never seen anywhere any instructions on how to be yourself. And if you and I were in a conversation, and I asked you to "be yourself," would you know how to do it? What if I gave you ten thousand dollars if you could really be yourself for the next three hours? Would you know what to do?

Do you know why it's so difficult to instruct someone in the art of being themselves? Because it's not something you can do with action. It's not something you can do by trying. It's not something you can do by restraining yourself. You can't do it with any effort.

In fact, if you are forcing yourself or restraining yourself, you are not being yourself. If you are trying, you are not being yourself. Even if you are trying to be yourself, you're not being yourself. And if you try harder, you're really not being yourself.

Being yourself is the absence of something, not the presence of something. It is the absence of forcing and restraining yourself. If you force yourself to smile when you don't feel like smiling, you're not being yourself. If you restrain yourself from crying when you feel like crying, you're not being yourself.

You are not being yourself if you're trying. Trying is forcing or restraining.

So how can you "be yourself?" Even though it is a complete lack of trying, you actually have to learn how to be yourself because you've been urged, coerced, prodded, teased, ridiculed, and punished for being yourself your whole life. The world has trained you to avoid being yourself, so it's not going to be easy. And yet, in many ways it's the easiest thing there is, because it is a total lack of trying.

So how do you learn? By catching yourself forcing yourself and restraining yourself. By noticing when you're trying. And then letting it go, easing off on the trying, and just relaxing into whatever is really true for you right at that moment.

In other words, you learn to be yourself by being on the lookout for that feeling of forcing and the feeling of restraining. Tune yourself into that feeling. Become acutely familiar with what it feels like. And watch for it. Then when you notice yourself forcing or restraining, ease up on the forcing or restraining.

It is a subtle process, but a very concrete one. The feeling of trying (forcing or restraining) is a specific, easily-identifiable feeling. Once you're got your reticular activator set for it, you'll begin to notice it happening all the time.

And when you notice it, resist the temptation to try. Resist your habitual urge to force yourself or restrain yourself.

Step by step you will become more and more "just yourself." You will become more natural, more at ease, more relaxed, more open, more honest. Your relationships will become a lot more enjoyable. Your whole life will become more enjoyable.

I'd like to add a warning to this rosy picture, however. There are places and times when it is not a good idea to be yourself. For example, let's say you work for customer service and a customer has just made you angry. It is probably a good idea in those circumstances to restrain yourself from being yourself and doing what you honestly feel like doing. Your employer is paying you to do a job. Forcing and restraining yourself is work, and in this case, it's one of the things you are being paid to do.

You can figure out the details for your own situations, but I wanted to point out that it is entirely fitting and appropriate to not be yourself in some situations. Figure out what those are, and explore being yourself in every other area of your life.

So let me summarize. This is how you can follow the excellent advice to "be yourself:" Catch yourself trying. You can't "be yourself" by an act. Rather, you detect forcing and restraining and stop doing it. The feeling of forcing and restraining is the feeling of not being yourself.

You can't try to be yourself. As soon as you're trying, you're not yourself. Being yourself is not an effort. It can't by done by trying. And especially not by trying harder. It is more like resisting temptation. Remember that, and you're well on your way to enjoying the freedom and power of being yourself.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Slotralogy, Antivirus For Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Forging Conduct

I have a question for you. On what do you base your actions? On feelings? On thoughts? If these two are in conflict, which gets the "last word?"

One camp says your feelings are most fundamental, and should be relied on above thoughts. It says that thoughts are only based on conventional knowledge and nonsense we've picked up from our parents. But feelings — they have a deep root, a spiritual source, or just a natural source of your basic constitution or "Buddha-nature." There are lots of different ways to use it, but the basic idea is that decisions about what to do are based on what you feel more than what you think.

The other camp is the rational camp. Rationally think through what is best and decide based on logic and reason. Use what scientific evidence or simply your personal observations and decide what is best and then do it, whether you like it or not.

In the feeling camp, there is a tendency to not stick to anything long enough to get anything done. Yes, stretching feels good, and for awhile you'll do it. But then there will be some days you don't feel like it, and after awhile, you will find you've gone a long time without stretching. Or exercising, or working on that goal or whatever. The feeling camp is dreadfully lacking in follow-through.

The thinking camp has a frightening side. The ultimate example is the general who decides what's the best plan of attack, and commits soldiers to the trajectory even though it is certain many of them will die. Or the rational idea that there are too many people in the world, which is quite true, but then some woman in remote China has a baby girl, and they aren't as valued in that culture as a boy, and taxes on more than one baby is high. It is rational to kill the baby.

These two can be merged, and they are merged in most people. But when they are merged, thinking must have the last word. If you want to accomplish anything, thinking must have the last word. Feelings change all the time. That is the nature of feeling. Any approach to accomplishment that is based on feelings will suffer from fits and starts and lots of abandoned projects.

Recent research suggests that rational thought needs to take into account feelings. When it doesn't, it's not fully rational in a human sense. Feelings need to be involved in the decision making process. Feelings need to be consulted, as a president consults his trusted advisors. But thought makes the final decision. And actions must be based on decisions — thoughts — not on feelings.

Intellect decides. Body obeys.

That's what works. The source of action needs to be decisions.


BE YOURSELF

I have heard the suggestion, "be yourself," in so many places. I have read it from so many people I respect, from Emerson's essay Self-Reliance to Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Be yourself. It doesn't work to try to please others, or to pretend to be what you're not.

Fair enough. And quite true. But what is "yourself?"

That's not a silly question. Do you consider "yourself" your set of feelings? Your "personality?" Your beliefs? A nonphysical soul? It makes a difference what you think because it will determine the source of your actions.

When I was younger, I thought of my "self" as whatever I was spontaneously. My rational side was suspect and sort of an enemy.

For much of my life I thought of my "self" as my personality. But that just means the ways I have learned how to adapt to previous environments. In other words, if my mom thought it was cute when I was being silly, I might develop a set of behaviors that might be bunched together under the heading SILLY. And we all have a whole slew of different "acts" or behavior patterns we are familiar with and have, in a sense, practiced. But are my accumulated behavior patterns "me?" Are they what I should be when I'm "being myself?"

The answer is no.

The self indicated in "being yourself" is the standards you have decided on. Not the standards you think others will approve of. Not the standards you were given by your parents. Not the standards of the society or religion of which you are a part. But the standards you have thought through and decided on.

The alternative is to "be yourself" by simply doing what comes naturally, which means (if you are like most of us) only exercising when you feel like it, yelling at people when you're angry, being selfish and stingy sometimes, and saying rude or offensive things which you will regret later. This is no way to live. It is much more sane to be yourself by deciding what standards of behavior you really want to live by and then following your own standard.

For example, I set a high value on living with a sense of purpose. My parents didn't, but that doesn't matter. I have thought it through and experimented with my life and have decided one of the things I value most highly is setting clear goals and persisting until they are achieved.

Now, given that standard, "being myself" would have to include setting clear goals and following though on them.

Good posture is one of my standards. Being loyal to those to whom I have committed myself is another. Being trustworthy is too.

If you sat down and wrote out what you think an ideal person would act like, you would get a finite list. And you would also have a set of standards to which you could then try to adhere. The adherence to your own standards is "being yourself."

Intellect decides. Body obeys. Your intellect, taking what you know and have experienced into account, and taking your feelings into account, decides what your standards of behavior are, and then you make sure that's what you do.

And what you decide on are standards of behavior. Not feelings. You can't say, I will never feel angry. But you can decide not to yell.

Sit down and decide what you think should be your standards. What behaviors represent you at your best. Decide to be that and you are being yourself. For example:

THE CONDUCT OF AN IDEAL MAN

1. He sets clear goals and persists to success.
2. He is loyal and trustworthy.
3. He never flinches.
4. He is honest and direct.
5. He keeps himself physically fit.
6. He always conducts himself with good manners.
7. He never yells except in emergencies.

Standards are a goal of perfection that you continually shoot for. In any given moment, you may fail, but you still know what you're shooting for and you keep trying. That way, over time, you become more and more true to yourself.

Adam Khan is the author of Self-Reliance, Translated, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.

Refuse to Flinch

Everybody knows what it means to flinch. Example: You pretend you’re going to slug me, and I twitch or blink. I flinched. Now let’s expand and extend that idea in a useful way: Let’s say flinching is any form of shrinking back, pulling away or turning aside, when it’s done to avoid discomfort or difficulty.

Have you ever noticed that you have a strong desire to put your hands in front of your body when you’re standing up and talking to several people who are all seated? Most people do. If you succumb to your desire to put your hands in front of your body, that’s a flinch.

Or say you’re telling someone something she doesn’t want to hear. While you talk, maybe you shift your body’s weight from one foot to another, pick at your fingernails or cross your arms. You flinched!

If you look at someone and they then look at you and you quickly look away, you flinched. Mumbling or speaking quietly is a form of flinching. Someone who is avoiding going to night classes because he’s afraid he might not do well is flinching.

Flinching is an attempt to protect yourself, and it’s very natural. Everybody does it. But there is one major problem with it: Flinching makes you weak. Notice I didn’t say it was a sign that you are weak. The act of flinching itself makes you weak.

But when you have the urge to flinch and you don’t, you gain a kind of strength. And when you look people right in the eyes with your arms hanging by your sides where they naturally hang and you speak truthfully without flinching, you have an unnervingly powerful personal presence.

And you don’t have to spend years getting good at this; you can do it the very next time you talk to someone. It’s easy to do (once you decide to), but when you do it, you will notice a temptation, a craving, a desire — almost an ache — to fidget or look away or at least put your hands in your pockets.

Refuse to flinch.

Make up your mind — as soon as you notice yourself flinching — that you will not flinch. You’ll like the result. A fear just goes out of you. This is especially true if you consider yourself shy to any degree. Don’t flinch, and suddenly the sense of shyness becomes somewhat wispy and transparent, and you’ll start to wonder if there has ever been anything there but a shadow.

Don’t flinch, and feel the power.

Then go on and expand this power by extending the practice into the psychological arena. When someone is “in denial,” it means they are mentally or emotionally flinching; they are looking away or shrinking back or avoiding something real — some truth, some reality — and always in order to avoid discomfort or difficulty.

But always and forever, wherever you flinch, you will be weak. And wherever you refuse to flinch, you will be strong.

This is the “how” of courage. It’s not that during a courageous act a person doesn’t want to run away. What makes it courageous is that the person wants to run away but doesn’t. Courage is refusing to flinch.

Extend your unflinching psyche into any area where you want more personal power.

If you want to be socially strong, don’t flinch in social situations. If you want to be emotionally strong, don’t flinch at emotional feelings or situations. You would benefit if you made this a lifetime practice, a spiritual regimen, a holy discipline. Wherever you refuse to flinch, you will have power. This will, of course, increase your impact on people. People will admire your courage and look up to you. When this happens, don’t flinch.

Adam Khan is the author of Principles For Personal Growth, Direct Your Mind, and co-author with Klassy Evans of How to Change the Way You Look at Things (in Plain English). Follow his podcast, The Adam Bomb.